It's All About Perception

When dealing with any type of crisis or loss the human mind typically follows 5 steps: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  In the past few weeks there have been a number of very stressful events in my life.  My first response to each of these has been...is this really my life???  Since then, I've begun to work the phases of the process.  For the most part, I'm in a pretty good place of acceptance.  That's not to say I don't slip back into some of the other phases, but I'm trying really hard to accept what's in front of me and work with it.

Today as I switched around my many hats I spent some time contemplating why all of these things had snowballed into my life.  I was really starting to think that I might just be a train wreck.  Instead, I'm changing my perception.  My life isn't a train wreck, it's just a process of making me a very well-rounded individual.  I mean that in more than just reference to my ever rounding shape.  There's a reason I need to learn all of these things.  There's a reason I need to have 3 children (2 who will likely only be 12 months apart).  There's a reason I need to understand the juvenile justice system.  There's a reason I need to know about bail bonds and the criminal justice system. There's a reason I need to learn about grief with others.  There's a reason I need to learn to help others organize their lives and find peace and serenity.  There's a reason I am mentoring a difficult student teacher.

I just really wish I knew what the reasons were...

At 15

Heavenly Father is ingenious...and yet terribly frustrating.  This free agency thing makes life so difficult sometimes, especially when it means that others can make choices that are completely out of our control.  My younger brother has not used his free agency wisely in the past few years and it has ultimately left him in a very unfortunate place.  I've spent a lot of time in the past week recalling what it was like to be 15.  Sure, it's been a while, but it doesn't seem so far off.  I find it very puzzling that 2 related individuals can choose such polar paths. 

When I was 15:

1. I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
2. I began dating seriously
3. I worried about having friends and fitting in
4. I shopped
5. I played volleyball
6. I got my first job as a hostess at the Country Club
7. I prayed for my parents
8. I became a sister for the second time
9. I got my driver's permit
10. I made commitments to myself to live my life in accordance with certain standards

Again, however, Heavenly Father has an ingenious plan.  Along with free agency to make poor choices, he allows forgiveness and blesses us with opportunities to change our path.  I sincerely pray that my younger brother makes some better choices now that his options are so limited and he sincerely seeks another path.  He has realized what he's done and where it's placed him.  He has found prayer.  He has found humility.  Hopefully these things will stick.

If you are a prayerful person, please pray for him to be humble.  Pray his DAP placement will come quickly and that he will find an inner strength and peace.  Please pray for my mom as she endures all this emotional pain.

Fish or Baby

The past couple of nights have been a little rough with Nick.  Last night he fought going to sleep (screwy Sunday sleep schedule) and then woke up at midnight and just cried.  Nothing I did was enough to console him.  I bounced him, rocked him, nursed him, sang to him, NOTHING worked.  I finally woke Sean up and asked him to take a shot at it.  He played with Sean for a bit, but ultimately ended up crying.  As a desperate last measure I decided to get into the shower with him.  That worked!  As soon as the water hit his little back he stopped crying and just cooed.  He played in the shower for probably 20 minutes.  It was enough to get him to relax so that when I put him in bed he only fussed for a few minutes before crashing.  Granted he was still up and down througout the night but it did give me a 2 hour reprieve.  It's got me thinking though...am I raising...

or a

The Circle of Life

We are certainly in the midst of the circle of life...at least the creation portion anyway.

Last Monday it was confirmed that SURPRISE! We're pregnant...AGAIN...and due...wait for it...

January 18!  Shock doesn't even begin to describe the feeling.  However, as reality sets in, the fact that we are having another baby become more and more exciting.  I could hardly believe it when the ultrasound tech told me I 19 weeks prego.  I went to the doctor knowing I was pregnant (thank you 5 home pregnancy tests), but I was expecting more of a March/April kind of due date.  Nope...not a chance.  On top of the shockingly clear ultrasound picture featuring a TRUE BABY...not a alien looking creature...the tech determined that we're having a GIRL! Shocker number 2!  I mean come on now...we're talking a Jenkins baby...it was a guarantee BOY!  Wrong again...maybe I'm supposed to be learning something here.  Now, on top of having to kick baby planning into overdrive, I now have to change all my blue to pink.  However, I'm truly excited to be getting another girl.  I can't wait!  Bring on the bows, frills, and lace.

Since I didn't really even think I was pregnant, why did I even bother to take a pregnancy test?  Well, I had a couple of dizzy spells in the shower and I've been craving Taco Bell and fruit flavored popsicles.  Honestly, it was supposed to be a joke.  Joke's on me!

In continuing on with our "new life" theme.  We welcomed 4 new (temporary) members to our family this morning.  Daisy had her puppies.  Last night when the kids and I returned from the football game, I knew Daisy was in labor and half expected to be woken up in the middle of the night to tend to the situation. However, she kindly waited until 7:15 this morning before things really got rolling.  At about 7:45 Daisy delivered a healthy chocolate brown pup.  Following that she delivered a stillborn.  That was gross and SCARY.  The third pup born is a runt and Daisy is protective and caring of the pup, but not feeding it, so I am now nourishing the pup with puppy formula using a syringe.  I'm not sure it will survive, but if it does I'm going to be very attached lol.  The fourth arrival is a cutie that looks just like a brown and white spotted cow (super cute). The final pup arrived around 11:30 this morning and is a very interesting black and gray colored cutie.  Three of the four suriviving puppies seem very healthy and Daisy is tending to them like an expert Mom.  I'm hopeful for the runt...

Poor Mama

Another Book to Bed

It's the start of the most bitter sweet part of the year I know.  For some, December 31st is the end of the year and the start to something fresh and new.  For me...it's graduation.  The Monday after spring break marks the first day of having to say good bye.  I submit the final pages of the yearbook I supervise.  I begin the process of saying good bye to the graduating class.  Over the past 4 years I've gotten to know 2 young women who have changed my life. 

I've already had to say goodbye to one...she's now a college sophomore and following in my English teaching footsteps.  She's amazing...she's growing into a such a wonderful young woman.  She's ridden a roller coaster and I think she's finally leaving the loops and just coasting on the ever changing elevation.  Her life is anything but smooth, but she's growing, she learning, she's changing.  I love this girl like a daughter and it's been hard to let her go, but a joy to have worked with, sparred with, and even chase up stairs in  heels.

Her sister is almost her polar opposite.  She is my current editor.  She is my go-to-girl when I need a babysitter.  She loves Taco Bell ALMOST as much as I do, and Sonic drinks JUST as much as I do.  She hates confrontation.  She pays attention to detail.  She's chaos organized.  She's kind, considerate, and compasionate.  She's manged to handle me in pre-during-and post pregnancy.  She's a trooper.

The thought of ending this school year and not having another one of these young ladies in the wings is heart breaking.  They both created yearbooks and staffs for me without a single question of why me.  They simply took on the task with grace and determination.  They are unique and wonderful and I'm terribly sad to say goodbye.

Of all the aspects of teaching I love, saying goodbye to my seniors is by far the most difficult.  I allow myself to get attached...which I think is something that makes me a better teacher, but also leaves my heart a little broken. 

For the next 8 weeks, I will work hard to impart my limited knowledge of the world to my seniors and hope and pray that I can provide them with the final pillars to hold up their foundation as they build their lives.  I know I have to say goodbye.  I know it's good to say good bye.  However, saying this particular goodbye will indeed break my heart.

Best of luck my girls! Please send me an update now and then...

My ever present friend...another staff we will begin...ahhh Jostens...

Mornings

Mornings are getting better.  I am working really really hard to get this...

A smile in the morning is worth so much!

Now if only I could catch a few more greens...and a few less reds.  I only have 5 lights from the house to the parking lot you'd think my odds would be better...

And the last part of my morning routine...breakfast...I swear it's only cereal in the red cup!

You Have the Right

This has nothing to do with the following post but...he's so CUTE!

You have the right to remain silent.

You have the right to choose.

You have the right to be respected.

You have the right to be loved.

You have the right to show love.

You have the right to BELIEVE.

You have the right to work.

You have the right to learn.

You have the right to share.

You have the right to experience.

Over the past few days I've had the opportunity to hear, see, read, practice, and participate in most of these statements.  It's been enlightening to reflect on these.  It's done my heart good recognize these things. 

Last night while working with my Eng. 101 students on their personal narraitives I had the chance to read over a few of their introductory paragraphs.  One of the essays is by a 15 year old boy who began his essay with, you have the right to remain silent.  Yes, it was in reference to his being read his Miranda Rights.  He was arrested in front of his mother on charges of dealing drugs.  I didn't have the chance to read the entire piece, but after spending a few one-on-one moments with this young man, I'm intrigued.  I'm looking forward to getting to know more about this articulate and seemingly humble young man who is trying to change his path in life for the better.

Last night my mom and I were discussing the day's events and the result of one of my younger brother's court hearings from earlier in the day.  My heart had been so full all day with worry about what would come of his initial court appearance.  Having never gotten into any real trouble, it terrifies me to think of all the possible outcomes.  However, while I may worry, I realize that I have no control over the outcome of the situation.  My brother had the right to choose, and because of his choice, his high school years will not likely be as carefree as he would have hoped.  So, as a family, we have the right to love him, but that's about all we can do for him.  My mom said something really "parental" during our conversation.  She has the right to BELIEVE in him.  Not that the rest of him don't believe in his ability to change and make better choices, but our patience has run a bit more thin than hers. She's MOM...enough said.

I think the world needs to learn a little more about the right to share.  Yesterday I had a bit of an oops moment.  In my crazy Tuesday hussle bussle, I left my phone on top of my car.  Unfortunately, it didn't hold on and ended up getting run over. Poor sad phone.  "Thankfully" a "good citizen" picked it up and actually answered when Sean called my phone while we were searching for it.  The "kind" gentleman said he had the phone but that it had been run over.  He gave his address for us to retrieve the phone from him.  I am ever so grateful as I have a rather large contacts list and would HATE to have lost that.  However, my good feelings toward this gentlemen are slightly torn.  After giving Sean his address, the "good" citizen asked if there was a reward for returning the phone.  A REWARD?! A REWARD?! SERIOUSLY?! Whatever happened to doing the right thing for the sake of just doing the right thing.  Sean was the one to retrieve my phone from said "good citizen" and no, we didn't pay a reward.  However, Sean shared with this individual his right to bear arms...one on his hip and one in his back pocket.  Needless to say...we got the phone. :-)

Today my seniors began their persuasive research papers.  We talked about responsibility, respect, and support.  I BELIEVE in them.  I don't necessarily agree with many of their topics, but I BELIEVE they can complete the assignment and that's what's important.  They have the right to learn.  They have the right to work.  They have the right to experience...they have the right to experience success or failure.  I can only hope they choose to experience a true sense of satisfaction and succeed.

For me...

I have the right to be

OPTIMISTIC!

What is it you do...

As I write this, I'm multi tasking...shocking I know.  My seniors are currently listening to Act IV of Macbeth. It's quite difficult to not rhyme in my mind as I listen to the witches continue to cause troubles for Macbeth. However, I realize as I'm doing this...I've taught Macbeth A LOT...I'm reciting the words in my head as they are being spoken...I no longer have to actually read it to know what's going on. :-)  Twisted I know, but I really do like this play.

Poor Sean had a rough day with Nicholas yesterday.  He just wouldn't sleep and wanted held.  Even last night, he would not be happy to just lay in his swing or in his crib, he INSISTED on being held.  So, I held him ALL NIGHT.  He slept though, and so did I.  Haley ended up in bed with us too.  THANK HEAVENS for a KING SIZED BED!!  Haley and Nick both slept right at my sides.  When I woke up, they kind of just rolled toward each other. SO CUTE!!!

Last night we had guests over.  It was so cute to watch them together and listen.  It's so easy to let  "adult" responsibilities get in the way of just having fun as a couple.  Smiles are indeed infectious.

I finally got a picture of Nicholas smiling. I can't get enough of his big toothless smile.  It's just so sweet.

I had a disturbing conversation with a student today.  Upon my return last week, this student approached me to inform me of her pregnancy and impending marriage.  She informed me she would be out March 8th through spring break as she was going to Hawaii to get married (must be nice). She was then absent for the next 4 class periods.  She returned again yesterday requesting her missed work because of "this" (as she rubbed her belly).  I looked at her and said, "Honey, I've done pregnancy twice and I never missed a day of work because of my pregnancies. You need to be in class.  See me after class for your missed work."  Perhaps it wasn't the most compationate response, but the sooner she steps into the reality of adulthood and motherhood, the better off she'll be.  Oi...they think they're responsible enough to have sex, but pregnancy...geesh

It's a New Day

So, last night on my way to GCC I had a "chat" with the big guy.  I was gernally humble, but probably a bit demanding as well.  By the end of the night I had been humbled...He has a magical way of doing that you know.  The result of my new found humility...I need to take action.

Take action, but a different kind of action than what I've been doing.  I need to continue doing what I've been doing, but I need to find a way to stop for a few minutes each day and do something I enjoy.  What do I enjoy you ask?  Writing and taking pictures.  Who knew yearbook really WAS my calling. :-)

So, I'm going to write and I'm going to post what I capture with my camera each day.  I need someplace to go to reference the beautiful things in my life when I can't really see them for what they are, because I get in my own way.

Last night, I stopped worrying about the cluttered counter tops, blue room, bedroom, and desk.  Instead, I let Sean fix me a bowl of cookie dough ice cream and we watched American Idol.  I still got to nurse my beautiful son and rock him to sleep.  I still got to read scriptures and Littlest Pet Shop with Haley.  It felt good.  They may not have needed me to do it, but I sure needed to do it for them.  I feel asleep on the couch for a while. I relaxed in my bed NOT feeling utter exhaustion.  I tucked Haley back in her bed around midnight...she needed an extra hug and kiss.  I slept with both my boys by my sides.  I felt safe and wanted.

I woke up feeling tired (constant interrupted sleep will do that) but peaceful and hopeful.

This morning, Haley again woke with a smile. She got herself dressed, hair fixed, teeth brushed, and not a single voice was raised or tear was shed.  Miracles do happen.  Haley got another stone in her cup...only 8 more good mornings until we have a date at the convenience store to get a Bug Juice and Ring Pop!  I'm lucky she's still excited over simple treats.

When I arrived at school I got to talk up the great things about being a part of the yearbook staff to 3 potential staff members.  Hopefully, one will want to be my business manager next year.

My classroom is quiet...it is peaceful.  I have a list of things to do, but for now I'm taking a few moments to enjoy the peace and quiet around me and just share my thoughts.  I am blessed and I'm greatful to have the presence of the Holy Ghost to help me feel the peace I need and storms of emotion plague my world.

My images of the day to remind me of all I have to be grateful for...

Giggles

Attempts at FHE...reverence is highly overrated

Puppies who play hard...and can't put their toys away

Unlikely friendships

Fun and games

A husband who remembers my favorite flower

My Gerber Baby Boy

My 2 strong protectors

Eng 101 Thesis

Well I think I'm having a Freudian state of mind...

As I was working with my English 101 class on thesis statements and body paragraphs, the topic I came up with was neapolitan ice cream. LOL...

The thesis statement they are currently working with is:
Chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry make neapolitan ice cream the world's most perfect ice cream combination.

I may have to make a pit stop at the grocery store on my way home.

Thanks friends for letting me vent :-)

I'm Trying...I'm Failing

Today I feel...guilt...sadness...emotional...redundant...or maybe it's jealousy...or maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself.

This is my second week back to work, and I'm really struggling to hold it all together.   I love my job as a teacher, but I love my calling as a mom so much more.  I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and I can't seem to do any one well enough according to my standards.  I feel like Nicholas should still need me at home..he's only 10 weeks old...but he doesn't.  He has Dad and that's good, I just feel like I'm needed as more of a machine that a mom.  I feel like my family just needs me to provide.

I know I should feel blessed that Sean is getting to be a stay at home dad, but I don't.  I'm JEALOUS, I'm dripping green with jealousy.

I want to be at home taking care of my home and my family.  I don't want to be working full time at the high school, 2 nights as week at the college, and Saturday mornings at the college. 

I know I should feel grateful that I have my education and that I have a secure job that allows me to almost sufficiently provide for my family, however, I just feel YUCK!

I feel like all I do is run from one place to another and put out as many fires along the way as I can.  I'm desperately trying to get my seniors to be motivated in the material and work to graduate.  I'm trying to train Haley to like mornings and be cooperative and kind. I'm trying to pump enough milk to satisfy my growing baby while I'm away NOT watching him grow. I'm trying to pay bills.  I'm trying to be a good friend.  I'm trying to be supportive.  I'm trying to not be judgemental and pushy. I'm trying to fix healthy satisfying meals for my family.  I'm trying to plan fun and meaningful family home evenings.  I'm trying to enjoy going to church. I'm trying not to cry everytime I get in my car. I'm trying not to panic over the state of our finances. I'm trying to be patient.  I'm trying to feel gratitude for my jobs. I'm trying to have faith.

I'm failing....


Ok...I've ranted.

A little update...

Well life for us is certainly never dull...not that I'd want it to be, but sometimes a little downtime would be nice... It's been a month since Nicholas was born, and here's a list of some updates over the past 5 weeks along with a few snapshots.

1. I got a job with GCC. I'm going to be teaching an English Humanities class (EXCITED!!) and possibly an English 101 class. I had the interview and was hired when Nicholas was a mere 4 days old.

2. We survived Christmas! I hadn't done a lick of Christmas shopping prior to Nicholas being born and I decided to be adventurous when Nicholas was 1 week old and take both the kids out with me to shop. On our way to Target (our very first store) I became the target of an elderly gentleman who decided he needed to be in my lane more than I did forcing me off the road to avoid being hit. Instead I hit a nasty pothole and blew my passenger front tire. The kids and I were fine, I was just a little frustrated. We still shopped and got the tire fixed that afternoon. Thank you Mansoor (old student) at Subway for providing extra cookies for this frazzled mom.

3. I learned that the most efficient way to vacuum, mop, fold laundry, or simply clean with a newborn is to put said newborn in a Snuggy and go proceed with the days events.

4. We celebrated Christmas as a family of 4! The rest of our extended families were a part of the day as well, but it was lovely to be with my family.

5. We had family pictures done. It was an exhausting experience, but the results were fantastic. If you'd like to see them for yourself, log into www.gradsphotography.com and click online previews...session number 30031.

6. I wrecked my car. :-( Another elderly gentleman caused me to avoid hitting him and resulted in SEVERE damage to my car. Said old guy decided he needed to turn out the turn in lane at a shopping center. I successfully avoided him (I don't even think he realized he caused an accident) however I hopped a curb and crashed into a pillar. Poor car.

7. Haley showed me her bowling skills.  Even my daughter bowls better than me...granted she had a ramp and bumpers, but still! She was such a perfectionist...she moved the ball ramp around and angled it left and right to get just the right shot.  And HEAVEN FORBID anyone try to help her.

8. I was a bridesmaid in my best friend Laura's wedding. It was a lovely ceremony. Only 4 weeks after delivering my handsome son I actually fit into my dress! It was tight, but it fit :-) The wedding was a lot of fun, and Haley and Nicholas were a hit. Haley danced the night away with Sean...CUTE!

9. The crummy economic times gave us a hard hit. Sean has been laid off. It is what it is. Thankfully he has an entrepreneurial spirit and hopefully we'll land on our feet and not on our backside.

10. We're dealing with a little sibling jealousy...nope not Haley, she loves Nicholas...Simon! LOL

Welcome to my world!

Nicholas' First 3 Weeks

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Haley 2009

Make a Smilebox slideshow