What is it you do...

As I write this, I'm multi tasking...shocking I know.  My seniors are currently listening to Act IV of Macbeth. It's quite difficult to not rhyme in my mind as I listen to the witches continue to cause troubles for Macbeth. However, I realize as I'm doing this...I've taught Macbeth A LOT...I'm reciting the words in my head as they are being spoken...I no longer have to actually read it to know what's going on. :-)  Twisted I know, but I really do like this play.

Poor Sean had a rough day with Nicholas yesterday.  He just wouldn't sleep and wanted held.  Even last night, he would not be happy to just lay in his swing or in his crib, he INSISTED on being held.  So, I held him ALL NIGHT.  He slept though, and so did I.  Haley ended up in bed with us too.  THANK HEAVENS for a KING SIZED BED!!  Haley and Nick both slept right at my sides.  When I woke up, they kind of just rolled toward each other. SO CUTE!!!

Last night we had guests over.  It was so cute to watch them together and listen.  It's so easy to let  "adult" responsibilities get in the way of just having fun as a couple.  Smiles are indeed infectious.

I finally got a picture of Nicholas smiling. I can't get enough of his big toothless smile.  It's just so sweet.

I had a disturbing conversation with a student today.  Upon my return last week, this student approached me to inform me of her pregnancy and impending marriage.  She informed me she would be out March 8th through spring break as she was going to Hawaii to get married (must be nice). She was then absent for the next 4 class periods.  She returned again yesterday requesting her missed work because of "this" (as she rubbed her belly).  I looked at her and said, "Honey, I've done pregnancy twice and I never missed a day of work because of my pregnancies. You need to be in class.  See me after class for your missed work."  Perhaps it wasn't the most compationate response, but the sooner she steps into the reality of adulthood and motherhood, the better off she'll be.  Oi...they think they're responsible enough to have sex, but pregnancy...geesh

It's a New Day

So, last night on my way to GCC I had a "chat" with the big guy.  I was gernally humble, but probably a bit demanding as well.  By the end of the night I had been humbled...He has a magical way of doing that you know.  The result of my new found humility...I need to take action.

Take action, but a different kind of action than what I've been doing.  I need to continue doing what I've been doing, but I need to find a way to stop for a few minutes each day and do something I enjoy.  What do I enjoy you ask?  Writing and taking pictures.  Who knew yearbook really WAS my calling. :-)

So, I'm going to write and I'm going to post what I capture with my camera each day.  I need someplace to go to reference the beautiful things in my life when I can't really see them for what they are, because I get in my own way.

Last night, I stopped worrying about the cluttered counter tops, blue room, bedroom, and desk.  Instead, I let Sean fix me a bowl of cookie dough ice cream and we watched American Idol.  I still got to nurse my beautiful son and rock him to sleep.  I still got to read scriptures and Littlest Pet Shop with Haley.  It felt good.  They may not have needed me to do it, but I sure needed to do it for them.  I feel asleep on the couch for a while. I relaxed in my bed NOT feeling utter exhaustion.  I tucked Haley back in her bed around midnight...she needed an extra hug and kiss.  I slept with both my boys by my sides.  I felt safe and wanted.

I woke up feeling tired (constant interrupted sleep will do that) but peaceful and hopeful.

This morning, Haley again woke with a smile. She got herself dressed, hair fixed, teeth brushed, and not a single voice was raised or tear was shed.  Miracles do happen.  Haley got another stone in her cup...only 8 more good mornings until we have a date at the convenience store to get a Bug Juice and Ring Pop!  I'm lucky she's still excited over simple treats.

When I arrived at school I got to talk up the great things about being a part of the yearbook staff to 3 potential staff members.  Hopefully, one will want to be my business manager next year.

My classroom is quiet...it is peaceful.  I have a list of things to do, but for now I'm taking a few moments to enjoy the peace and quiet around me and just share my thoughts.  I am blessed and I'm greatful to have the presence of the Holy Ghost to help me feel the peace I need and storms of emotion plague my world.

My images of the day to remind me of all I have to be grateful for...

Giggles

Attempts at FHE...reverence is highly overrated

Puppies who play hard...and can't put their toys away

Unlikely friendships

Fun and games

A husband who remembers my favorite flower

My Gerber Baby Boy

My 2 strong protectors

Eng 101 Thesis

Well I think I'm having a Freudian state of mind...

As I was working with my English 101 class on thesis statements and body paragraphs, the topic I came up with was neapolitan ice cream. LOL...

The thesis statement they are currently working with is:
Chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry make neapolitan ice cream the world's most perfect ice cream combination.

I may have to make a pit stop at the grocery store on my way home.

Thanks friends for letting me vent :-)

I'm Trying...I'm Failing

Today I feel...guilt...sadness...emotional...redundant...or maybe it's jealousy...or maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself.

This is my second week back to work, and I'm really struggling to hold it all together.   I love my job as a teacher, but I love my calling as a mom so much more.  I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and I can't seem to do any one well enough according to my standards.  I feel like Nicholas should still need me at home..he's only 10 weeks old...but he doesn't.  He has Dad and that's good, I just feel like I'm needed as more of a machine that a mom.  I feel like my family just needs me to provide.

I know I should feel blessed that Sean is getting to be a stay at home dad, but I don't.  I'm JEALOUS, I'm dripping green with jealousy.

I want to be at home taking care of my home and my family.  I don't want to be working full time at the high school, 2 nights as week at the college, and Saturday mornings at the college. 

I know I should feel grateful that I have my education and that I have a secure job that allows me to almost sufficiently provide for my family, however, I just feel YUCK!

I feel like all I do is run from one place to another and put out as many fires along the way as I can.  I'm desperately trying to get my seniors to be motivated in the material and work to graduate.  I'm trying to train Haley to like mornings and be cooperative and kind. I'm trying to pump enough milk to satisfy my growing baby while I'm away NOT watching him grow. I'm trying to pay bills.  I'm trying to be a good friend.  I'm trying to be supportive.  I'm trying to not be judgemental and pushy. I'm trying to fix healthy satisfying meals for my family.  I'm trying to plan fun and meaningful family home evenings.  I'm trying to enjoy going to church. I'm trying not to cry everytime I get in my car. I'm trying not to panic over the state of our finances. I'm trying to be patient.  I'm trying to feel gratitude for my jobs. I'm trying to have faith.

I'm failing....


Ok...I've ranted.